To the would-be concerned

Dear Concerned,

TL;DR: I have just about gone through enough based on the same assumptions about humankind and mothers, which were all wrong. And please, if everything could be simply solved just by me coddling the other party “just a little” like that, you really really need to stop to get a bit more of the picture, and understand that this world is fallen, please. Thank you…

(As much as I’d like to write an expletive-laden letter like what seems to be the rage nowadays, I’d refrain from that as that would only distract from my main points.)

You see, I very much have had it with people telling me the same things over and over again, yet without stopping to find out what had been going on, or to even consider what they’re really saying or implying when they give the same (admittedly well-intentioned) advice. I’m very tired of keeping my silence on what I’ve come to think of now on the matter, probably coming across as a stubborn and ungrateful ingrate (I am fallen too anyway…) who never realized how well he was taken care of by the typical mother who loves beyond compare. Although I’m unable to vocalize my thoughts properly in person, I hope that I have not lost my ability to do so in writing at least..

As many of you would already have known, I have been estranged from my mother for quite a while. And being the second and last child who married, I was the last to move out of the house, leaving behind my mother to live alone in the house.

I do not intend to document every single thing that has happened in the years past to provide the full context on things, I’m not that crazy/stupid yet to write such things in public. What I’ll do here instead, is list out just a couple of the advice and reasonings that many have commonly uttered over the years to me, and hopefully show you why I don’t agree, at least not anymore…

She will respond to you as her son, if you only would try to talk things out with her and show some concern…

First of all, why is it immediately concluded that I’ve never tried that, or that I never intended for the relationship to be mended? Is it just because she seems to be in the more pitiable situation living alone that makes me automatically The Culprit?? Or is it also because I appear externally to be able to be functioning normally? Maybe it’s both? Why does it look as if I hold the power to change the situation single-handedly? Do I look like a God to you? I’m a Geek, a human one at that.

I’m not going to go into how I don’t think she’s really that “lonely” actually. But looking at how she’s always responded to my attempts to at least treat her normally (it never ends well…), I can only conclude that she has already stopped looking at me as a son. Yes, we are still related by blood, but I’d sooner be dead than to have her see me as a son anymore..

Also, as much as I’m stereotypically a geek with awkward social skills, I am still human. And it bl**dy hurts every time I try something and the attempt just falls flat on its face. Try doing that repeatedly over a protracted period of time, and see if your views of things still stay the same.

I don’t wish for anyone else to have to go through the same rubbish here, but seriously, this has long transcended the cold wars that a quarreling mother and son/daughter would have. At least they still had the relationship for the quarrel to matter…

All mothers still love their own kin at the end of the day…

After going through that rejection crap myself repeatedly, I was forced to really look into that reasoning that so many have used. While it sounds like it came from that Chinese childrens’ song 天下的妈妈都是一样的, I really think that we have to face Genesis 3 and remember/accept that this is a fallen world that we live in. Unless you are trying to say that this does not apply to mother-son/daughter relationships.

For those that didn’t know already, this “saga” that I’m part of isn’t only restricted to me. My mother has already been estranged from her own kin (and their children too) many many years past, and eventually leading up to now both her sons being estranged (I’d say). Yes we might still do some of the things that extended families do, but beneath that veneer of awkwardness, the underlying relationship with my mother had long been utterly destroyed. All these “sagas” share the same pattern too: of a sudden change in attitude, refusal to reveal what her woes were when asked, and a general refusal to any reconciliation. Everyone directly involved in their own way gets hurt, not only the mum. And everyone’s face sours on recollecting the situation and the better days long gone. NOBODY WINS HERE.

I’m tired… Please, no more well-intentioned “advice” without at least trying to understand what we go through. I’m not asking for empathy (this can only be given by those in situations of similar degree), but please at least don’t judge me that quickly when I share a little of the story with you when you ask “how’s things with your mum?”. I’ve already gone through a long enough time of dissonance and pain, I hope.

Respectfully yours,
Geek

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